she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
