if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Floor bacon is actually really good
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
