God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
