I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
