I hate your face
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
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Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
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She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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