he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
