apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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