I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
