I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
this hospital has no fireball
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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