I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am available for nakedness
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