fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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