Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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