Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
