Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
