he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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