Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
