She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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