if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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