I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
