can we get nightvision for the apartment?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
