We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
