We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
