the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
