My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
