First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
