Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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