She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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