My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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