I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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