I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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