Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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