If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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