woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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