I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
