Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
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I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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