i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
