We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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