I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
