I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
