I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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