Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
