My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
