I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
