i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
