There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
