I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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