Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
