Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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