Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
