I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize