I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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