My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
