my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
