I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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