I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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