Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
