I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
