Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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