then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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