drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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