Quick, to the slutcave!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
