Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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