I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
